We can not create change without UNDERSTANDING the aspect of self that is being designated “negative.” How to walk away from the cycle of self-hate and stagnation.
Society has invented what “happy” looks like for everyone, and we take on these opinions and try to live up to them which ultimately removes us from our own truth.
Aspects of ourselves are rejected and silenced and eventually, like anyone being neglected, demand to be heard.
I resented my childhood very much so, and unfortunately, I wasn’t able to freely express how unsatisfied I was nor have a safe place to release the discomfort building within. So I found comfort in food, something that was a part of my everyday experience, as simple as it sounds you will be astonished how many people have the same comfort due to isolation.
As an adult, I began to detest this aspect of myself believing it was the reason I ate mounds of pizza, chocolate and in emotionally dark times “lose control.” I would have moments where it was never enough, choosing the food options that were toxic. Being unaware of the reason why I hated this part of myself even more.
It was a vicious cycle that split many pieces of the real truth of what was happening:
- My comfort of food BEGAN because I had no place to be myself, to be heard and no one in my immediate surroundings as a child considered how sad I was.
- In adulthood, I started to see my emotional eating as a problem that I had to exterminate. Believing it was something that limited my growth to become societies version of “happy.” This belief made me feel even more alone, being unaccepted by myself was even worse.
- At times I would “lose control” because I would again find deep emotional comfort in my food. My choice of “unhealthy” food was the red flag pointing to the fact I hated myself, felt shameful and alone.
“Wounded children have a rage, a sense of failed justice that burns to their souls. What do they do with that rage? Since they would never harm another, they turn that rage inward. They become the target of their own rage. They repeat in their thoughts the same hurtful words that were spoken to them. They must lash out, but the only ones weak enough to attack are themselves.” — Woody Haiken
The “out of control”feelings, in fact, were my unwillingness to accept the fact that I find comfort in eating and discovering the reasons why.
The pain from rejecting myself made me hate myself and expressed by choosing harmful foods.
Accepting this aspect of myself made me realize that this very thing I was dedicated to erasing held many truths about who I AM.
I was raised in an emotionally deprived home and because of my innate nature of emotional depth, felt unsatisfied by my surroundings. My focus moved to food and to this day I love myself a nice wholesome plate of food. I don’t want to lose that part about me, I’ve come to peace with my past and love the aspects of myself that have built from that.
Loving this part of myself has exterminated the feelings of “being out of control” because I’m no longer trying to disprove the younger version of myself. I have open arms to it.
I am no longer tempted to eat until I feel sick or choose the foods that make me feel sick.
Life is about choices, you can choose to deny and wait for the internal blow up to take hold. Or you can listen to what your actions are trying to tell you. If you are acting from a place of sabotage it usually points to some area that feels unaccepted and is angry about it. Just like a neglectful relationship, eventually, the victim will try to break free.
Allow this younger aspect to break free and be released by accepting the truths that are engrained in the personality of WHO you are at this moment. You can not possibly change what you do not understand, you just don’t have enough information even to start.
These younger aspects that cause; addictions, covert narcissism, lack of emotional control, etc. Are merely crying out to be liberated from the old circumstances it’s stuck in.