I used to search for love through sexual experiences, the opinions of other’s or my partners feelings which would justify my stay.
Looking back I can say every relationship besides the one I’m in now has been unfulfilling emotionally. I didn’t learn about myself and it felt like I was just floating along waiting for an emotional spark whether healthy or unhealthy, just something to make me feel alive.
My current partner and I have a very distinct relationship with each other. Since I was 13 we would speak to each other every single day after school.We’d stay up for hours hanging on to each minute as if we wouldn’t talk to each other tomorrow. He was my friend at a time in my life when it felt like I had no one.
1ST BREAK UP
When we dated we were two people who didn’t know how to love, what it meant and how to nurture it let alone nurture ourselves. So we made a mess, a big mess and it was the hardest break up for both of us.
In that time the loss triggered all the loss I had ever dealt with in my life and it was apparent to me that this trauma was the wall that stood between me and the love of my life. I took up therapy and it took approximately two years to stop cancelling and skipping appointments.
2ND BREAK UP
When we tried for the second time I was knee deep into therapy, EMDR to be exact and ugly shadows were revealing themselves. At the time he too was dealing with such a large loss that all he could put his finger on was that he still loves me. We tried, again, tried our hardest but our subconscious still blinded us both and triggered impulsive actions.
It was two star crossed lovers wanting to love one another but painfully, continuously learning that in order to nurture the greatness of this love, we needed to learn to nurture ourselves. He was trying to replace what was lost financially and I was trying to replace what was long loss emotionally. The pressure on us to choose solitude was high and it was a hard decision that was dragged out to a wreckage end.
I thought for only one second this must be it.
The pain of that breakup was the worst pain I had ever felt.
I knew I would make it to the other side as a different person but I surely didn’t know how.
My therapist was present through all this and she adored our relationship but the truth was known with all three of us in the room that this had to end. It ended with me leaving 14 hours away to Hawaii leaving behind what I loved the most and choosing myself. For five months I dedicated time and energy shuffling through traumatic memories, healing chronic festering wounds and releasing old systems of thought.
We remained friends catching up every month or so. I explained my journey and admitted that much of the chaos was my responsibility. He confessed his feelings and I confessed mine, our walls dropped revealing what we always knew but never saw. That week I moved to Rhode Island back to my beloved arms, terrified, but knowing that the level I loved myself I was ready to love.
I kept this move secret because the people surrounding me do not understand what love feels like to me. I wasn’t given the tools to have a good relationship, I had to destroy what I knew and relearn what I know today. I couldn’t give you an example of what a healthy relationship looks like back then. I had to put in the hard work to research and study love as if I was in college for it. During my healing I found my calling and picked up writing and blogging to help others because I realized I am not the only one lost in the sauce when it comes to love.
It’s something we all want yet something not many can define. It’s like being blind folded in the forest trying to find a safe house, sticking your hands out and casually running into trees. Sometimes being pricked and cut by branches and thorns. It’s not until you stop, understand that right now you are blind and hug yourself and just know that that embrace is home and you can always return.
For the person I’ve become I don’t want to just fall in love, I want to sit with love, have a conversation with it, be inspired by it. I want it to bleed into every piece of my life even right here in these words.
I found that all in myself first.
The journey back into my beloved’s arms was synonymous with surrendering to my hearts desire. Empowering myself with choice because I deserve love regardless of what my past has to say. I deserve to give myself a honest shot.