What makes this phobia one of my most profound was the unknowingness that it existed. For years I really believed that I was built for a heathy committed relationship and it was everyone else that was screwing it up for me (no, seriously).
Break up after tumultuous break up, it didn’t once occur to me that maybe I had some of the issues I was blaming my partners for having. That I was attracting what I was in my partners and supporting the cosmic law of attraction.
After a few grueling months of self reflection I’ve come to these new profound beliefs that have assisted me in changing my phobia for the better :
- Understanding that we all don’t know what we’re doing when it comes to love. It’s a life long process of trial and error but to assume that you have it right is a sure way to find yourself failing.
- Releasing myself from the expectation of being a “perfect” partner helped release my partner from the same expectation. I had so many beliefs of what love should feel like, look like, sound like etc. that anything short I was ready to walk away. It was even more shocking to realize these beliefs of LOVE came from various sources lacking proper self reflection to ensure these were true for me; TV, parents, friends in the same struggling relationships, music videos etc.
- Learning to love myself in my moments of shame, guilt or tough life lessons. In a relationship the heart is open and vulnerable bringing to light the hidden insecurities and unhealed wounds. Some of these insecurities were hidden from myself so when they popped up it became hard to show myself compassion and love; I just wanted to run and disappear or blame it on my partner. It is imperative too realize the purpose of love is for healing and growth. These are opportune moments to gain a deeper intimacy with yourself and share this with your partner, hopefully inspiring him/her to do the same.
- Relationships are about growth not stagnancy. A lot of my relationships felt suffocating, I felt the pressure to give everything up and put all my energy into “making it work”. However, love is synonymous with growth and if both parties feel they can’t grow, both parties will eventually realize love isn’t present any more. Realizing the “clingy” or “needy” vibes are red flags for stagnancy, I’m now able to give me and my partner the autonomous room to be our own persons.
- Your love and commitment is not owned by your past experiences. YOU own your love and choose where you will place it. YOU own the choice to commit and what you will commit too. Don’t allow past traumatic experiences that seem similar make these choices for you, you will end up falling short of grasping the loving reality you deserve.
- Get comfortable and understand forgiveness and patience because you will need these virtues in a healthy relationship. Whether it is forgiving yourself or another, being patient with yourself or another, these two virtues are interchangeable yet continuously used throughout the duration of a healthy relationship. No one is perfect and it’s so freeing to feel like you can be yourself.