My obsession with sex started around the age of six when I witnessed a sexual act take place in-front of me and was molested. My brain was way too young to comprehend what was happening so instead it translated into a fascination. My nature of “play” became different as I tried to incorporate this new learned curiosity with barbie dolls, masturbation and drawing sexually explicit pictures. This was kept hidden from my parents, teachers and peers because something felt shameful about the experience (shame is a normal reaction to trauma).
My obsession grew when I came across my first porn video at the age of eight. I now had an outlet of research, the world wide web at my finger tips. It grew to the point where I would skip school to surf the internet and click through hours of different videos. My young mind still not able to process what I was seeing, the bodily reactions deepened my shame even more.
I was inevitably caught and was traumatically shamed for acting out in this way. I was called a “disgusting little girl” and this sentence embedded itself into my fragile psyche becoming the root of the sexual shame I would endure in my later adult years.
At the mentally tender age of 13–18 I found myself with an insatiable hunger for acceptance, approval and a sexual appetite that was never full. It was a recipe for disaster and I single handedly created a world of chaos, confusion and impulsive actions. What ever to bring the “fix” the fastest :
Alcohol — served a purpose of helping me forget about the gaping hole in my heart. I had a serious drinking problem that started at the age of 18, it got to the point where I would want to get drunk enough to drown in my own term oil alone.
Sex — would momentarily “fix” my hunger but it was never enough. Intimacy remained foreign until my later twenties so sex was a simple physical act that brought more shame. I didn’t like myself and I didn’t like my body, sex was an act that would prove how unworthy of love I was from myself or others because it supported the fact that “I AM a disgusting little girl”.
This disastrous world became impossible to upkeep and I was at a cross roads ; I could either keep going down this road and find myself eventually dead or get help, get help NOW!
As you may have presumed I decided to get help and started an internal journey of unweaving all the false beliefs, thoughts and behavior patterns I had tied up on my heart.
The essence of the hole in my heart was the false “I AM’s” that I held about myself and my ego worked tirelessly to keep me living within these statements :
- I AM not important
- I AM uncared for
- I AM not accepted
- I AM not loved
- I AM not worthy
- I AM lost
- I AM broken
I worked for over three years to completely change these I AM’s and work towards a self that resonated with the life I never had but greatly desired. I decided to turn my back to everything I knew and jump off a cliff. I dared to begin believing :
I AM an embodiment of love
I AM cared for
I AM accepted for my open and honest authenticity
I AM worth of the highest level of love and respect from myself and others
I AM no longer lost and have found something valuable to work for, myself.
I AM healed and whole.
So I ask you…
What I AM statements define you? Be honest with yourself, the journey to finding your truest self is never ending, its a decision you make to live the rest of your life in self compassion, acceptance and with the focus of living authentically to who you are.