In some form or another everyone has dealt with a loss, I wasn’t aware how many forms of loss there are in the world until I decided to deal with the toxicity that dwelled in my hearts cup.
“Grief is love’s unwillingness to let go”
I squeezed tightly to the idea my ex would come back for almost a year. I squeezed so tightly that I accepted less than what I deserve and would come back for more disappointment time after time. Mid another disappointing conversation I asked myself, when is enough, enough? When do I really let the ball drop and accept the agony of what this heartbreak will bring? Agony falls short for what was to come after letting my ex/best friend go emotionally.
A weight so heavy illuminated itself during this healing process and it became clear to me this weight wasn’t from my relationship alone or the emotional/mental manipulation that came with it. This heaviness was all the breakups I ran from, all the healing opportunities for my past I dismissed and buried with alcohol, weed, sex, and other useless distractions. I was ready to accept and the heaviness broke through me like my heart was made of glass and smashed against the floor. The most I could do was face the facts that my heart was shattered and the pieces on the floor needed to be swept up and thrown away (releasing my past).
Facing this grief showed me that life will allow you to run as far as you’d like from your truth. It will gladly allow you to cover that hole up with any distraction and/or new focus but eventually. Eventually, there will come a scenario that forces your heart open, forces you to look yourself in the mirror and commit to “no more”.
No more painfully toxic relationships will I place myself in because my past didn’t show me what a healthy love smells, feels and tastes like. No more holding myself below what I am capable of or holding myself from the life that will truly make me happy because someone once made me feel undeserving. You see the hardest thing about facing grief was that I had to also accept it was all self-inflicted. That I ignored the red flags and rationalized my shadow’s choices.
That life will you give you whatever you desire the most and if deep down that’s pain and rejection. You can bet your bottom life will provide you with a situation that makes you feel rejected and sorrowful.
I wasn’t happy at the moment working my way through all the loss I’ve experienced I didn’t enjoy being up all night, self-sabotaging and stagnating during that process. However, it was my time to heal because I finally realized enough is enough and I chose happiness over what I know. I chose to put myself first and sit with how I really felt and cry the tears I needed to get out.
Facing my grief taught me that no matter what you think you know, life has your back, this life, your life, wants the best for you. Life trusts you know what is best for you and gives you the freedom to go out and manifest that truth for yourself. It is my responsibility to choose that life of joy and step out on fear and misery and it is your responsibility to face your truth as well.
My advice, don’t turn your life into a product of other people’s misery. Don’t allow those who don’t love themselves impose on your own self beliefs. Choose yourself, choose yourself and again choose yourself because that is where you will find the “good stuff”.