When we broke up that night I really accepted it was over…for now. I packed all my things and I believed in my heart that we will get back together down the road when we figured thing’s out. We spent three nights together before I left and we made love, laughed, reminisced and I fell in love all over again. Then came the painful necessary goodbyes which I mentally understood, mentally I accepted it but I didn’t anticipate my heart’s reaction of losing you.
Within one week you changed, you’re sweetness turned to sourness and you’re receptivity turned into blocking me out. You didn’t want to see me or talk to me like you used too and I started to lose my best friend. I remembered all the things we’ve been through and my world started to close into the truth which I continued to deny because there was no possible way it was over. I didn’t think goodbye this time meant not seeing your face anymore, I didn’t know I wouldn’t be a major part of your world anymore and I didn’t realize I would be forced to stand on my own and walk away from what meant the most to me and I couldn’t accept that. The essay’s of apologies, the random freakouts, and the excessive worrying was me subconsciously trying to hold on to our love because our love was the safest place I grew to need. Understand that when you walked away I had to face part’s of myself that was rooted and bred in anguish, rejection, and pain and the fear became paralyzing that I consistently tried reaching out to you to find some peace. To only realize that you were no longer there anymore and the connection disappeared with your absence.
I picked myself up and proceeded to act like everything was normal a month into the breakup. When you would text me the feeling of loss hit me all over again and i found myself crying out to you again and spiraling down. Those were my most desperate times, pleading with you to give us another chance and apologizing for my part in the breakup. But even though those times looked desperate and embarrassing they were the truest, ugliest parts of me from the ancient pain I was holding inside that needed to be released. This pain caused so much term oil in my relationships and I had to block you because I knew I would never stop trying to reach out to the comfort I once had and wouldn’t heal.
Memories I’ve never told a soul began to resurface and eventually I found myself at rock bottom unable to pretend anymore. Unable to pretend that i was over you, unable to hate you in order to move on and unable to lie to myself that i was okay. I wasn’t over you, not even close and not until I realized my day’s consisted of smoking weed, eating junk food and sleeping, did I see that I haven’t moved an inch since the breakup. I couldn’t hate you and gave up on listing reason’s why you were the worst human being because my heart consistently forgave you and even understood why you did the thing’s you did, which kept me laying on my bedroom floor mentally exhausted. Then my lowest of lows came when I saw how scared I was to accept love and give love. When I realized that the pain I’ve been carrying around was merged into my identity and poured out on any person I cared about. Our relationship wasn’t just a coincidentally simple love and heartbreak where we move on and never remember each other again. No you meant the most to me, the love we shared forced me to reckon with the pain I hushed away and I was able to change my life. So even though we don’t talk anymore and we no longer play a role in each other lives I want you to know that out of all the murky waters and dark night’s that I survived, barely, but survived.
Do I regret the desperate text messages, emails, and phone calls? Do I regret spilling my heart out asking to get together again then simultaneously push you away because of the rejection or coming off like a crazy person? Do I regret being as broken as I was? Not at all, because I couldn’t wear a false mask of strength for the rest of my life and my identity had to eventually be broken in order for me to realize I’ve been living a life of limits and falsity. I would never know what love is and what it feel’s like or that love has very little to do with fulfilling my insecurities and everything to do with loving someone for who they are. That my mind can find a million reason’s to hate someone but my heart doesn’t need any convincing if it loves then it’s best I accept it. I’ve learned that no matter how much I tire myself out trying to control the outcome I will never succeed in having everything and everyone turn out the way I planned. That no one owes me anything and explanations, analysis and nonsensical conversations about what already happened only stops the wound from healing. I learned that when I was lying there in rock bottom with empty Mcdonald bag’s, bud’s of blunts, empty bottles of liquor and dirty clothes everywhere that it isn’t about figuring out how thing’s fell apart but how I will pull it together and redefine myself because staying the same is unbearable. I learned how to let go with grace and love, that not every goodbye mean’s that I have to hate that person and hold on to reason’s it’s their fault.
Accepting this ending was the hardest thing to do because outside of our connection I honestly didn’t have much and that terrified me. I walked away knowing i was going to come to terms that my life was filled with temporary joy and lack of purpose. That without you’re love my life looked like sitting on my floor doing absolutely nothing reuminating how empty everything was. I had no one to run too that would pick me up off this floor, no one but myself. I could lay here in self-pity and victimization and will die that way or I could pick myself up and keep moving even if I can’t see the light yet. I don’t know if we’ll ever talk to each other again let alone ever see eachother, but out of all the people in my life, I wish you could see me now because you would be so proud that I found my purpose and strength.