It happened, it did, and you didn’t deserve what did happen to you. Maybe someone snatched your innocence away from you when you should have been protected or maybe someone took advantage of you when you trusted them. Whatever it is it has already happened and what many of us victims of unfortunate circumstances don’t realize is that when terrible thing’s impact our life it doesn’t just impact at the moment and a few weeks after. It draws its claws into our identity and tries to form into who we are and we fall into the cycle of embodying that victim.
I was sexual, mentally and emotionally abused ten years from the time I was born and much of my adult life was a cry for help. I spent years living the life of a victim rather than living my life the way I wanted to. I became promiscuous and buried my much of pain in alcohol and surrounding myself with fake friends. When I would try to objectively look at my life I would only give myself reasons as too why I was acting out the way I was and had a sense of carelessness when it came to consequences. I continued the pattern of waking up with a hangover from the night before, seeing my reflection in the mirror taking note of the eyeliner smeared around my eyes and the smell of cigarettes and alcohol on my breath. I hated that site but I felt like I had no control of my actions due to self-pity and victimhood. When you choose to live the life of a victim nothing you do is your fault the fault lies in whatever that person did to you years before. You see the relation between your careless/numb actions and how that terrible event in your life made you feel and instead of healing that connection or cutting it lose and gaining control, you let it be. The story plays over and over in your head and the hate, anger, and heartache regenerate in every re-play you listen too. Those heavy emotions that you feel would drive anyone to the arms of escapism that could mean promiscuity, alcohol or drugs. Outsiders think its a stereotype of someone who was sexually abused or taken advantage of always ends up being promiscuous because “they don’t know what they’re doing” or “that’s all they know” that is far from the truth.
The community of victimhood and escapism know why they do the things they do and they are also aware of the damage it does as well. It is an addictive cycle like any other that becomes so hard to break because in a way there’s a sense of fulfillment. We all escape thoughts, realities or emotions we don’t want to feel in some way or another, you get fired at work and invite your friend out for some wine to “take your mind off of it” escapism isn’t unhealthy in moderation. A glass or two of wine after a bad day to relax works but in my case, the emotional scars left of being molested for five years doesn’t fit the escapism of just wine or someone who’s safety was stolen from them isn’t going to go have a few beers to chill out. The dose goes up, the fix get’s harder to reach, now we’re talking about the heavy stuff that people turn into cultural stereotypes of abuse victims. So from the words of an ex-victim, I’d like to say,
A VICTIM’S WORDS
“I didn’t choose what happened to me, in fact, I had no choice in the matter or what it ripped away from me. I am a victim of someone else’s actions and because of that I’ve been thrown in a dark room and I don’t know how to get out of this part of my mind. In this dark room, there’s just me and a projector and the projector replays what happened over and over again and I ask the same questions why me? What happened is painful but do not have an answer as too why is unbearable, I don’t know how to put this to rest I don’t know what to do with it because I can’t find the key in this room. The idea of it being my fault crosses my mind sometimes or where was everyone that was supposed to protect me and because of that I isolate myself emotionally because I’m so wrapped up in this replaying story. Can you blame me for wanting a few hours to where it isn’t the only thing I think about can you blame me to try to feel something other than this? That’s why I drink I little bit more than I should because once I reach that set level of drunkenness I can be someone else. That’s why I sleep with that guy I don’t really know that well because for a moment I feel wanted and loved and the crushing pain of self-disrespect is at least coming from the present. I don’t know what else to do and when im sober I drown in the past and the present pain and can hardly breathe enough to imagine what I should do to change it. So let me escape, for a little bit and don’t judge me when you see the smile on my face but the sadness in my eye’s”
VICTIM V.S SURVIVOR
If you’ve made it to this part of this article then I will safely assume you’re looking for something. Just like the cycle of victimhood, there is a cycle of survivor hood, one tears you down into your past and one lifts you up into your future. It isn’t an easy choice to change your patterns or addictions but starts with changing your perspective. Realize you aren’t the only one going through this, there are million’s of women and men who were taken advantage of in all ages of their life. But we know there’s no good that will come from living in victimhood its a painful and never-ending cycle of unanswered questions, don’t allow this person to take any more from you than they already have. Every minute and hour you give into this darkness is another minute or hour you give to that person it’s time to walk into survivor hood and your already qualified because of your alive and looking for answers. Survivor hood starts with taking the piece of you that wants more in life and strengthen him/her turning on the light in the dark place and searching for the keys to unlock you from that story. Walk into survivor hood knowing that you are already a survivor of your story that only you know how much strength it took to where you are now. Even if you’re on the floor crawling or barely hanging on adoring yourself for that because you are stronger than you know. If you’ve been thinking about getting the help I strongly advise you to find a therapist to speak to it will change your life because you will realize how many people go through the same thing. Walk tall, this is a hard journey, and even though you can’t see the light just yet deep down you know there’s more and that’s why you’re here reading this article. You are loved, you are strong and your life is worth living don’t give up just yet, don’t roll over and ignore this for another minute exhaust all options and break free of this cycle.